Old-school dive bars: Top 5 features

Hey grannyfabbers – I am back from the dead. Life has been super busy, but good.

I turned a big old mid-thirty age last week. Made me realize some things – like I don’t belong in a bar with young people anymore. Those young whippersnappers are just plain annoying, with their apple martinis and demands for mixologists.

Instead, I’ve decided that I distinctly prefer old-school bars. Either high-end or low-end. This week, let’s examine the old-school, low-end dive bar and its distinguishing characteristics:

1. An old alcoholic bartender

The bartender MUST be more than 50 years old. Anything younger is a travesty. Also, the bartender must have a drinking problem. Drink of his/her choice should be something appropriate, like Old Grandad or Miller High Life. Bartenders that know what a Diesel jean is should not apply.

Preferable names: Carl, Bob, Shelley, Kitty, Danny or Joe

2. Dark lighting

No one needs to see gin blossoms or wrinkles. That’s why old-school dive bars are dimly lit. Enough said.

3. A limited selection of liquor

Square One Vodka or one of those highfalutin liquors should not be featured behind the bar. Acceptable liquors are Johnny Walker Black, Jack Daniels, Tanqueray/Beefeater and any sort of weird old-school Rye. Beers in a can from a cooler adds 10 points.

4. Unpolished clientele

The clientele should be down and out; or if they are not, they should be appropriately inebriated. At least 50% should look like they were born on a barstool.

5. Undesirable location

The bar should be located off the beaten path; the fringes of a sketchy neighborhood. If the bar is in a neighborhood where you could take your parents or baby sister, it doesn’t qualify.

These features are optional but nice:

Jukebox with Frank Sinatra and/or Johnny Cash

Rumplemintz

Broken lock on the bathroom door

Wood floors

Pool table

Black and white unframed photo behind the bar of bartender or bartender’s family

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Boozin’ it up…for less

Granny enjoys a cocktail or two. It’s interesting what alcoholic beverages can do for a staid, stiff social situation.

One of Granny’s favorite libations is champagne. Bubbly, golden fabulous deliciousness…and hey, you look great drinking it too!

Because Granny isn’t a billionaire, she often opts for “sparkling wine” — here are some options you can consider leaving in your fridge for those emergency moments when guests “drop” in or if you’re just having a day.

1. Sofia Champagne (average $22)

Crinkly pink packaging and a light, fresh taste make this a winner. Plus, it’s a Coppola creation! How could you go wrong?

2. Chandon (average $18)

Ah…Chandon. You are just cheap enough to pass for straight drinking rather than having to hide in a mimosa. Plus you don’t taste like puke (see Andre under this heading) and you look respectable enough to leave out on the counter. Blanc de noirs (the pink version of this) makes you feel like a flapper.

3. Scharffenberger (avge $16)
It’s like buttah. At Bev Mo, you can get this bad boy for a cool $15.99 and those adorable wine writers at the Wall Street Journal have picked this time and again for a special occasion. What’s the ultimate Granny Fab experience? Having this bad boy on tap while you watch American Idol by yourself. Here’s to you, David Archuleta.

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Old lady eats – what to serve at your card game

In my last post, I tried, single-handedly to resurrect old-lady card games. “But Ms. Old Lady, what should I serve my guests?” Good question. Where else is it more appropriate to serve watercress-and-ham sandwiches with the crusts cut off?

Old Lady is not against buying items for your party. In fact, she encourages. Just please, taste the food before you serve it to your guests. The picture on the box may look great, but taste what’s inside before committing (also a good rule to follow for dating).

TASTY TIDBITS FOR A CARD PARTY

Granny loves: Cheese straws, sandwiches with the crusts cut off, Pepperidge Farm goldfish, an assortment of salty meats, olives and stinky cheese and crackers

Granny hates: Pizza served out of the cardboard box it came in. No one wants to come over and feel like a frat boy (unless you are doing a frat boy activity, like watching a sport or UFC).

However, you should make at least ONE item. Something simple, something that no one serves any more. For this, I suggest devilled eggs or pigs in a blanket. And as Old Lady is quite known for her devilled eggs, she’s generous enough to give you the recipe right here!

LIKE YOUR GRANNY’S DEVILLED EGGS

Makes 24 delicious appetizers that your guests will squeal over

Ingredients: 

• 12 eggs
• Juice of half a lemon
• 4 tsp (less if you want it less tangy) Dijon mustard
• 1/3 cup of mayonnaise (I prefer Best Foods/Hellman’s)
• 1 small bunch of fresh herbs (chives, thyme, dill, basil or oregano will work — none of that dried catnip stuff please)
• Paprika (just to sprinkle over the eggs to look pretty)
• Tabasco to taste
• Salt and pepper to taste

Step 1: Hard-boil the eggs

This is easier in theory than in practice, as most old lady things are. Here’s a sure-fire way to get delicious, velvety eggs without that ugly grey color. Put the eggs in a saucepan. Cover with cold water. Bring to a boil. The MINUTE it comes to a boil, cover the saucepan and turn the heat off. Let it sit like this for 10 minutes. Your eggs will be cooked perfectly, provided you are good and don’t peek!

 Drain hot water from pan and run cold water over the eggs until the eggs are cooled down. You can crack the eggshells at this point for easier peeling. Honestly, the peeling is the biggest pain of this recipe. Get a dear friend or your significant other to help you.

Step 2: Slice

Peel the eggs. Using a sharp knife, slice each egg in half, lengthwise. Scoop out the yolk and put it in a mixing bowl. Arrange your whites on a pretty platter. Old Lady suggests taking some beautiful, crisp watercress and placing it on your platter before putting the whites on — this will not only look gorgeous, but it will anchor your tasty eggs and prevent them from slipping around.

3. Stuff

Mash up the yolk with a fork and add mustard, mayonnaise, lemon juice, herbs and Tabasco. Add salt and pepper to taste. Spoon, or if you’re fancy, pipe, egg yolk mixture into the egg white halves. Sprinkle with paprika.

Voila! You are now officially a true old lady and a hero to your friends and family. Serve, and watch them disappear. Old Lady once watched one of her genteel male friends eat 6 in a sitting.
 

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