Old-school dive bars: Top 5 features

Hey grannyfabbers – I am back from the dead. Life has been super busy, but good.

I turned a big old mid-thirty age last week. Made me realize some things – like I don’t belong in a bar with young people anymore. Those young whippersnappers are just plain annoying, with their apple martinis and demands for mixologists.

Instead, I’ve decided that I distinctly prefer old-school bars. Either high-end or low-end. This week, let’s examine the old-school, low-end dive bar and its distinguishing characteristics:

1. An old alcoholic bartender

The bartender MUST be more than 50 years old. Anything younger is a travesty. Also, the bartender must have a drinking problem. Drink of his/her choice should be something appropriate, like Old Grandad or Miller High Life. Bartenders that know what a Diesel jean is should not apply.

Preferable names: Carl, Bob, Shelley, Kitty, Danny or Joe

2. Dark lighting

No one needs to see gin blossoms or wrinkles. That’s why old-school dive bars are dimly lit. Enough said.

3. A limited selection of liquor

Square One Vodka or one of those highfalutin liquors should not be featured behind the bar. Acceptable liquors are Johnny Walker Black, Jack Daniels, Tanqueray/Beefeater and any sort of weird old-school Rye. Beers in a can from a cooler adds 10 points.

4. Unpolished clientele

The clientele should be down and out; or if they are not, they should be appropriately inebriated. At least 50% should look like they were born on a barstool.

5. Undesirable location

The bar should be located off the beaten path; the fringes of a sketchy neighborhood. If the bar is in a neighborhood where you could take your parents or baby sister, it doesn’t qualify.

These features are optional but nice:

Jukebox with Frank Sinatra and/or Johnny Cash

Rumplemintz

Broken lock on the bathroom door

Wood floors

Pool table

Black and white unframed photo behind the bar of bartender or bartender’s family

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First class passenger in a coach class world

So I’m a snob.

I love the fact that air travel is affordable. And I especially love the new airlines that pair cheap tix with an elegant experience. I loooong for the days of Pan Am and TWA, but I know those days are long gone.

However, I have to say — MUST PEOPLE WEAR A FULL TERRY CLOTH JUICY JUMPSUIT ONTO THE PLANE? I don’t think people realize that they are going out in public when they board an aircraft. Just because you spent $50 for your ticket does not mean you need to look like you rolled out of bed.

Here are some quick tips for dressing for the plane:

1. No Pajamas, sweat suits. If you would sleep or exercise in it, it’s probably not what you want to wear on the plane.

2. Non-wrinkly material is good. Jersey – great choice! Linen, maybe not.

3. Dark colors if you’re a klutz (like me). I always manage to spill my spicy bloody Mary mix on myself while I am imagining I am Liz Taylor, flying off to rendezvous with Richard Burton and getting my next big rock.

4. Big sunglasses never hurt. Eyes puffy? Maybe you’re leaving a lover? Go for some BIIIIIG sunglasses! Hint: People in the 60s didn’t have Botox.

 

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Granny’s back! Work sucks.

It’s been a busy couple of weeks. Since Granny isn’t officially old enough to be retired yet, she has to work. A lot sometimes actually. And it sucks.

Speaking of, what is it with kids today and the work style? Not that I expect people to call me Ma’am (although one of my team mates does…he’s a sweet gentleman from the South) or wear 3-piece suits, but when did work become a place to act and look like Lindsay Lohan?

Here are some tips for success in the workplace…granny style:

1. Hems by the knees, please.

Miniskirts are for kids, not women. Hems should be appropriate for work, not for a club. How do you know if your skirt’s too short? Try to bend over. That should tell you…real quick.

2. Bare legs…questionable?

Now maybe I am an old lady…oh wait, I AM AN OLD LADY. I just don’t like bare legs in the workplace. It just seems too…casual. I’ve gotten used to the idea of jeans — but bare legs…not so much.

3. Flip-flops are for beaches, not for desks.

Some people are very successful and can still look like they are one of Jerry’s Kids (Garcia, not Lewis). This is only for SOME portion of the population. The rest of us look…ridiculous. Flip-flops belie a sort of casualness that is appropriate for beaches, sunbathing, etc. — not for garnering respect. Also, they make a really annoying noise as you prance around the office.

4. Say please and thank-you.

In our modern world of texting and e-mail, people often forget their manners. When you are asking someone to do something for you — say please. And when they do it, thank them! It does make a difference…even to those computer geeks who don’t seem to care. Everyone likes being acknowledged.

5. You are being paid — don’t forget it.

Work is not play. Work is not your friend’s party. Work is not an option for many of us. Please do not forget you are being PAID to be here. That means, you have to DO YOUR JOB. So many of today’s generation think that it is a work is a right, not a privilege. Sure, you should give input and ideas — in fact, I think that’s the hallmark of an good employee! But calling in sick because “you just don’t feel like coming in today” is not an option.

Kate Spade makes all her employees read Emily Post’s etiquette book when they first start. Granny thinks that’s a fabulous idea — here’s a link to Ms. Spade’s Manners Book, which is a more updated version and has kicky illustrations, to boot.

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It’s been too long…

…since I’ve posted. My old-lady sport/hobby is tennis and I have been madly practicing for a match. To me, the old sports are just more attractive to play and to watch (although old lady secretly loves UFC).

I mean, check this fabulous lady out. So stylish! No one looks like this…except for maybe Maria Sharapova, who I love. You never even see her sweat. PS I will be posting more once my match happens on Sunday…wish me luck!

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Old lady eats – what to serve at your card game

In my last post, I tried, single-handedly to resurrect old-lady card games. “But Ms. Old Lady, what should I serve my guests?” Good question. Where else is it more appropriate to serve watercress-and-ham sandwiches with the crusts cut off?

Old Lady is not against buying items for your party. In fact, she encourages. Just please, taste the food before you serve it to your guests. The picture on the box may look great, but taste what’s inside before committing (also a good rule to follow for dating).

TASTY TIDBITS FOR A CARD PARTY

Granny loves: Cheese straws, sandwiches with the crusts cut off, Pepperidge Farm goldfish, an assortment of salty meats, olives and stinky cheese and crackers

Granny hates: Pizza served out of the cardboard box it came in. No one wants to come over and feel like a frat boy (unless you are doing a frat boy activity, like watching a sport or UFC).

However, you should make at least ONE item. Something simple, something that no one serves any more. For this, I suggest devilled eggs or pigs in a blanket. And as Old Lady is quite known for her devilled eggs, she’s generous enough to give you the recipe right here!

LIKE YOUR GRANNY’S DEVILLED EGGS

Makes 24 delicious appetizers that your guests will squeal over

Ingredients: 

• 12 eggs
• Juice of half a lemon
• 4 tsp (less if you want it less tangy) Dijon mustard
• 1/3 cup of mayonnaise (I prefer Best Foods/Hellman’s)
• 1 small bunch of fresh herbs (chives, thyme, dill, basil or oregano will work — none of that dried catnip stuff please)
• Paprika (just to sprinkle over the eggs to look pretty)
• Tabasco to taste
• Salt and pepper to taste

Step 1: Hard-boil the eggs

This is easier in theory than in practice, as most old lady things are. Here’s a sure-fire way to get delicious, velvety eggs without that ugly grey color. Put the eggs in a saucepan. Cover with cold water. Bring to a boil. The MINUTE it comes to a boil, cover the saucepan and turn the heat off. Let it sit like this for 10 minutes. Your eggs will be cooked perfectly, provided you are good and don’t peek!

 Drain hot water from pan and run cold water over the eggs until the eggs are cooled down. You can crack the eggshells at this point for easier peeling. Honestly, the peeling is the biggest pain of this recipe. Get a dear friend or your significant other to help you.

Step 2: Slice

Peel the eggs. Using a sharp knife, slice each egg in half, lengthwise. Scoop out the yolk and put it in a mixing bowl. Arrange your whites on a pretty platter. Old Lady suggests taking some beautiful, crisp watercress and placing it on your platter before putting the whites on — this will not only look gorgeous, but it will anchor your tasty eggs and prevent them from slipping around.

3. Stuff

Mash up the yolk with a fork and add mustard, mayonnaise, lemon juice, herbs and Tabasco. Add salt and pepper to taste. Spoon, or if you’re fancy, pipe, egg yolk mixture into the egg white halves. Sprinkle with paprika.

Voila! You are now officially a true old lady and a hero to your friends and family. Serve, and watch them disappear. Old Lady once watched one of her genteel male friends eat 6 in a sitting.
 

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Old folks’ card games

Whatever happened to good ol’ game night? In the era of the Wii, the ipod and the PS3, we seem to have forgotten that the human brain is capable of entertaining itself.

Here are some old lady card games that you might want to think about reviving at your next party. I would write up all the rules, but as with most old-lady games, it’s much easier to learn these games by having a kind and patient older person teach it to you, preferably over a cup of strong English breakfast tea and a cat at your feet.

The best way to learn card games is simply playing and making mistakes. Trust me, I have learned all of these games, with various results, except for the last one listed.

I have listed the games in order of complexity and the amount of wit it takes to play them. The goal is to get to a point where you can utter a charming bon mot while taking everyone’s money AND the last cookie. 

Hearts – The most basic of “trump” or “trick” games. You must master this before proceeding  to more complex old-lady card games. If you don’t know what a “trump” or “trick” is, you are not my audience for this blog.

Canasta – A rip-roaring wallop of a card game, preferably played by four people (that’s the minimum). The whole point is creating “melds” or suites of cards. I had a memorable Canasta game once in the Hamptons drinking white wine from a rocks glass. Now that’s living and that’s why old people play Canasta — they know what’s fun.

Pinochle – Even more complex than Canasta. Ever notice the older people who play Pinochle? You don’t want to mess with them because chances are, their memory is better than yours and they won’t hesitate to take all your money.

Cribbage – The mother of all card games because it combines a peg board AND cards. Plus you have to be really good at math because there are different scores for different hands. This is a game for the more intellectually inclined old ladies — because lemme tell you, the more you drink the WORSE you get at Cribbage unlike most card games.

Bridge — The ultimate of all old-lady card games. I have to admit, I have played all the above EXCEPT for bridge. Something about it intimidates me. It’s like the double-black-diamond of card games. Ya know why? People who are good at bridge are professionals. They just seem to jump out of the womb, knowing how to play. This is the next stage in my old-lady-hood and I am looking for a patient person who can teach me. Any takers?

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Rainy days, part deux

As I promised, here are some rainy day style guidelines for men. I’ve kept it very simple — men, in my opinion, don’t need  a ton of guidelines and direction. And you probably have better things to do, if you’re truly grandpa fabulous, than sit here and read this blog all day.

 This is for all the granpafab people in my life. May there always be an extra dry martini waiting for you. Enjoy!

SHOES

Just because it’s raining doesn’t mean you can just let yourself go. And another thing…Crocs are for people who actually work in a kitchen, not you.

Granny loves: Dr. Martens, Hunter boots (an edgy look, but it can look fabulous on men if done right) and vintage Stan Smith or Converse sneakers.

Granny hates: Crocs, Nasty, beat-up tennis shoes with holes in them, those weird yoga shoes with no laces.

OUTFIT

Gentlemen, just because it’s raining doesn’t mean that you should dress as if you are sitting in front of a television, watching football or for those grandpa fabulous folks, golf.

You should take into account that you will get wet, so no velvet and such fabrics, but otherwise, dress as if you were going out in public, please.

Granny loves: Classic trenchcoats, fisherman’s sweaters, Pants that fit

Granny hates: Sweatsuits, velour, anoraks (those are for actual sailing, not for wearing about town — it’s also loud – swish, swish)

And finally, a word about hats. I cannot emphasize enough how an elegant topper can finish your rainy-day ensemble. Whether it’s a classic fedora or a jaunty fishmerman’s cap, it’s a risk you should consider. When wearing a hat, ask yourself this question — would Robert Mitchum or Steve McQueen wear it? If not, well, you know the answer — DON’T.

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Proper attire for rain

It’s raining today in San Francisco yet again, and yet again, I see tons of sloppy, disheveled attire. Bad weather does not mean you get to wear nasty rubber boots with cherries all over them with pleated jeans that do not fit.

In our grandmother’s day, people still had a semblance of style and grace when it rained. Why do people feel that it’s okay to just let it hang loose as soon as the first drop of water falls?

Here are some ideas of what to wear when it rains…and still be granny fabulous.

This will be a two-part bit of advice — Gentlemen, your turn comes tomorrow. As Granny always says, “Ladies first”:

FOR LADIES

OUTERWEAR

Granny loves: Trenchcoats, A beat-up, preferably vintage leather jacket that fits you well.
Granny hates: Too-big puffer jackets that make you look like a Michelin Man, Boxy denim jackets with weird washes.

SHOES

Granny loves: Knee-high boots (leather — if they are rubber, they should be Hunter boots or something similar. If you are more than 25 years old, you no longer have the right to wear cartoon characters on your shoes), dark waterproofed pumps with a low heel with rubber soles for the rain, patent leather ballet flats also with a rubber sole.
Granny hates: Any sort of rubber boot with a cartoon, like ducks, on it (cute on your kid, not you), rubber shoes like Crocs (they are for the kitchen, people!)! A scarf tied Grace Kelley style over your head.

OUTFIT UNDER THE COAT

Granny loves: Skinny jeans that tuck into knee-high boots sleekly, Slacks with the aforementioned pumps, Sweaterdress with all of the shoe suggestions above.

Granny hates: Torn jeans with longjohns showing (so 90s, but YES, I saw this today), Rubber anything (shirt, pants, etc. — best saved for the club), Pajamas (You laugh, but I saw two people wearing these today and they were not homeless).

One final word of advice: It is NEVER okay to carry a plastic grocery bag on rainy days as your handbag. There are many inexpensive options you can find today for appropriate rainy-day handbags. Here is a nice alternative — it is under $20 so no excuses!

Throw away that garbage bag and buy this tote here

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Age ain’t nothing but a number, toots

Welcome to Granny Fabulous.

What is Granny Fabulous? Our world is becoming more juvenile, youth-worshipping and altogether too schlumpy.

This blog worships all things old. Things your grandma would have approved of. French 75s, clothes that fit, small lap dogs and handwritten thank-you cards should not be things of the past. Britney Spears, you are not my target audience.

Because unlike most of my Botox-loving generation, I aspire to be an old lady — I may not be there yet, but I’m looking forward to it.

What you’ll find here are fabulous ideas to lead a genteel life of an earlier time — whether it’s the rules to canasta or a great recipe for grapefruit and avocado salad, you’ll find it here.

Here’s to a more civilized existence.

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