Hey grannyfabbers – I am back from the dead. Life has been super busy, but good.
I turned a big old mid-thirty age last week. Made me realize some things – like I don’t belong in a bar with young people anymore. Those young whippersnappers are just plain annoying, with their apple martinis and demands for mixologists.
Instead, I’ve decided that I distinctly prefer old-school bars. Either high-end or low-end. This week, let’s examine the old-school, low-end dive bar and its distinguishing characteristics:
1. An old alcoholic bartender
The bartender MUST be more than 50 years old. Anything younger is a travesty. Also, the bartender must have a drinking problem. Drink of his/her choice should be something appropriate, like Old Grandad or Miller High Life. Bartenders that know what a Diesel jean is should not apply.
Preferable names: Carl, Bob, Shelley, Kitty, Danny or Joe
2. Dark lighting
No one needs to see gin blossoms or wrinkles. That’s why old-school dive bars are dimly lit. Enough said.
3. A limited selection of liquor
Square One Vodka or one of those highfalutin liquors should not be featured behind the bar. Acceptable liquors are Johnny Walker Black, Jack Daniels, Tanqueray/Beefeater and any sort of weird old-school Rye. Beers in a can from a cooler adds 10 points.
4. Unpolished clientele
The clientele should be down and out; or if they are not, they should be appropriately inebriated. At least 50% should look like they were born on a barstool.
5. Undesirable location
The bar should be located off the beaten path; the fringes of a sketchy neighborhood. If the bar is in a neighborhood where you could take your parents or baby sister, it doesn’t qualify.
These features are optional but nice:
Jukebox with Frank Sinatra and/or Johnny Cash
Rumplemintz
Broken lock on the bathroom door
Wood floors
Pool table
Black and white unframed photo behind the bar of bartender or bartender’s family
Granny fabulous 